biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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