A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
