good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
