a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
