How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
why do cheetos always look like penises
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
