I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
