I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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