I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
