The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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