I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
