I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
