You really coming over, don't trick.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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