She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
