I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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