She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
