glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
