so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
