Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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