He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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