Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
bring money and cleavage
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
