What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Rumble strips road head = magical
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
