What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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