I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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