I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
