how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Still dying that you shit outside
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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