the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
