How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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