had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He felt like a one man threesome
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
