I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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