Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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