fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
