One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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