I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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