why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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