someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
