last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
