before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
