Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
This house was built for laser tag.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
