i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Panties = found
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
