Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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