Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
