I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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