put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
