I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
