im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
