I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
