guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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