Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
