the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
