I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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